In my dream Im on a train headed to the high school I graduated from. I go there after 17 years for one more graduation I guess. Or one last.  Upon my arrival I see the  school yard is filled with beautiful gigantic Sakura trees, all blooming. There is a subtle wind in the air. I feel so calm. Its a surprising feeling considering how much I hated high school back then. On the trees I can hear some monkeys laughing. I even see a couple of them staring at my wallet and belongings. He reminds me of the monkey who stole my glasses right of my face when I was 6 years old. I really hated that monkey for doing that back then. But now they look harmless so I don’t bother. Anyway, I climb on a tree and I see some other dudes already chilling on top of it.  It’s a beautiful view. Then  the wind gets stronger leading all the sakura leaves falling apart and causing a  storm of pink leaves everywhere, its so magical I get goosebumps writing all this down. Its such a beautiful view. You can see nothing but  a storm of flowers. I try to take a video of what’s going on and I actually get a really good record of it this time. Usually when I see something beautiful in my dream and try to get a shot of it on my phone, I fail really bad. But not this time. So I feel great. As I enjoy the stormy sakura moment sitting on the tree, I notice a tiny bit of yellow light right by the tip of my fingers where my hands hold the tree. More confused I get, I come closer to this tiny yellow light and hear this tiny light inside the skin of the tree releasing a quiet sound. I notice somehow It’s the melody of “My little dark age” by MGMT. I don't know how to feel about getting more confused or amazed at that point.  I stare at the other kids to confirm I haven't gone mad and see they are as much amazed as I am. Naturally we start mumbling the lyrics of the song and as we do it,our mouths slowly disappear but you can still hear us singing, we don't mind. It’s also strange as I know I have listened to this song not more than two times or maybe three through my 32 years of being on the earth, so I’m not sure how I know the lyrics to it. But yeah, In my dream I know the song pretty well.   For a second I get to think we kind of  look like the branches of that tree  singing with no mouths. Then I remember someone with a knife attacks us to steal the tiny light  and next thing I see myself or the guy running downhills then I wake up. That’s it.

I checked  the lyrics to the song and gave it a good listen today. It is very interesting. The high school-goth version of me would actually get lost in those lyrics:

… Breathing in the dark, lying on its side

… The ruins of the day painted with a scar
And the more I straighten out, the less it wants to try

… The feelings start to rot, one wink at a time

… Oh-oh, forgiving who you are, for what you stand to gain
Just know that if you hide, it doesn't go away
When you get out of bed, don't end up stranded
Horrified with each stone on the stage, my little dark age

… Picking through the cards, knowing what's nearby

… The carvings on the face say they find it hard

… And the engine's failed again, all limits of disguise

… The humor's not the same, coming from denial

… Oh-oh, I grieve in stereo, the stereo sounds strange
I know that if you hide, it doesn't go away
If you get out of bed and find me standing all alone
Open-eyed, burn the page, my little dark age

… I grieve in stereo, the stereo sounds strange
You know that if it hides, it doesn't go away
If I get out of bed, you'll see me standing all alone
Horrified on the stage, my little dark age

… Giddy with delight, seeing what's to come

… The image of the dead, dead ends in my mind

… Policemen swear to God, love seeping from their guns
I know my friends and I would probably turn and run
If you get out of bed, come find us heading for the bridge
Bring a stone, all the rage, my little dark age

… I grieve in stereo, the stereo sounds strange
I know that if you hide, it doesn't go away
If you get out of bed and find me standing all alone
Open-eyed, burn the page, my little dark age

… All alone, open-eyed, burn the page, my little dark age

Dear future me. I know you end up on this oldskool blog page that you created when you were aroud 16? 17? I dont even remember.  It has atopped being a thing on the internet maybe a decade ago. But I know you are gonna come back here in a couple years. Its is  still a public page but somehow you feel its very private here. The year is 2023 now, you have just turned 33. You just had your first solo show with a gallery you like.  2020 melih would be so proud. You should be proud. The world never stops being a scary place tho.  Its just different layers of bullshit each year. Like lasagna. I have always pretended I like lasagna but in reality lasagna is just not for me. It is just too heavy and I find it hard  to digest it.

Bye.

 Man Its been so long I forgot how to start a sentence.

Last time I was here was 5 fucking years ago.

I remember sending an e-mail to my future self ten years ago in 2010. Now it is 2020. I keep checking my old mail for that but I never get the mail. I don't remember a single word I wrote on that email and I wanna remember. I don't remember anything anymore. It is boring. So boring.

Anyway Its been a long while. 2020 is an outrageous year. not a single dull moment. Remember the year you finished over twenty  canvases? That was something you were very proud back then in 2020.  Oh, so I am  a painter now. Dear Melih from 2015; Can you believe you actually quit your job some time after 2015 and call yourself a painter ever since. Im sorry man you are still poor. But It is alright. You're better and you feel like yourself and you are more okay with your true self.

oh man It is  still all about yourself.

It is kind of funny.

Man its so frustrating to be forced to watch yourself grow up and grow older
Its like a God given torture to set up a clock for someone and letting him know that its gonna stop eventually.
Id be happier to live my life as a wild animal rather than a miserable human being.
I dont feel nice at all. not because of the heavy burden of being alive of course. hahaha Im not on that level yet.thank god. Its probably because of the cheapest bottle of wine I got  from the grocery  store that I have been drinking for the last 2 days.

I'd make an amazing philosopher if i was a tiny bit stronger thinker to order all that clustered thoughts bugging my head. This mediocre level of sanity gives me nothing but terrible headaches in the midnight and crappy artwork in the morning after.

Oh boy, don't I sound like Will Smith's son.

No one wants to live forever yet no one wants to 'actually' die either.

For about ten years now, or maybe even more, I have  been programmed to set my alarm about an hour earlier just to make sure I got another hour to sleep and feel happy about it.
Life has its ridiculously weird ways to show you the  most stupid and yet comforting ways to simply enjoy little moments.
It's a pity those moments are pretty hard to discover all the time.
And most of the time you just find it easier to think of yourself as a man trying to climb the mount Everest on flip flops and just keep feeling sorry for yourself until you eventually get bored of that gloomy feeling and decide setting your alarm two hours earlier this time.
Hopelessly hoping that it should double that so called euphoria.

It's a cycle,
It will pass.
Then again, it's a cycle,
It'll come back.

Gravity works pretty strongly on me. No wonder I keep sitting instead of acting.

Being on and endless loop of waiting for the weekend for the rest of your life

Im thinking of a whole bunch of cliche crap about love and friendship and life at the moment.
this time I`ll keep all that crap to myself though.

25.

that's it.
I'm ready to live the rest of my life with a plain gray tshirt, some jeans and a pair of new balance sneakers in a cabin filled with the heaviest stock of paper, pencils and peanut butter.

That picture of my hands holding a piece of paper written my name on it is 6 years old. 

25 years old and hopelessly seeks happiness in buying new furniture.

In case you wonder what chaged in two years,
the answer is a big fat nothing.
A higher salary, an older face and a bigger hole in my "poor unfortunate soul" if those count.

People expect me to be the amusing one. like all the time.

And I have a feeling it is because I'm not the tall one.

If youre a guy and you live on your own , no matter what you do, someday you end up with a donut on your plate for dinner instead of a proper meal.

see I told you, I don't tend to write about happy stuff that's going on in my life. If I could, I would tell you that, suprisingly, I am only a puppy away from fulfilling my minor life goals.

"But I shouldn't complain  cause it don't matter, There are more wishes  than stars."



I have just noticed I don't enjoy kinder surprise anymore.

The apocalypse. Im afraid I might have just started it.  Its about 4 oclock in the morning and i have just visited the fridge for a snack and instead of a chocolate bar, i've eaten a whole bowl of salad which has some cauli and broccoli inside. Prepare for the end my friends. This is not normal. This is far from normal.

Don't get me wrong, It's not that I have this habitual gloomy mood on me all the time. It's just that I don't quite feel like writting about it when I feel seriously happy and calm about something.

There's life on one side, which constantly keeps reminding me to be patient in order to get what I want and be happy with it,
and there's me on the other side; the guy who chooses to take the stairs all the time just because he does not even have the patience to wait for the elevator to come; the guy who flushes the toilet while he is still peeing just because he cannot handle the pressure of waiting for something; the guy who has always been in trouble handling the concept of patience itself.

my lack of motivation blocks my imagination even for masturbating.

The possible new year's eve scenario for me is me sitting on my bed with my "mr. white" dry coughs which is slightly becoming kind of chronic, reminding me once again that I have to quit smoking or else Im gonna die young  like M.I.A says in that song. A glass of chocolate milk mixed with a shot of jagermeister will be the only drink I'll have for that night. and I'll be diguising offline on the internet in case  someone sees me and thinks I'm a lameass manchild.

As the surprise of that  precious night , my lack of will to do anything might kill me or I might try to hang myself  with a rope decorated with some sleigh bells  around my neck in order to look like a dead body with a festive soul afterwards.

happy new year.

I think its pretty cool that I'll have the privilege to brag about having lived my childhood in the pre-internet era when I become a grandparent. It will be fun watching them  trying to imagine life without the internet.

and speaking of getting older, I think everyone should cut the crap about that "time's just not passing oh my god" shit. It passes as fast as fuck. Have you ever met a 50 year old saying "oh damn, I felt like its been 200 years!" when asked? NO. Everbody says that they can not believe it has passed so fast. They say they still feel like they are in their 20's.
For me, there is not another concept scarier  than the concept of becoming an elderly man.
I cannot stand the fact that its inevitable and its going to feel like it happened in the blink of an eye.

I believe that all around the world, there are people who are questioning their lives in the middle of the night, in front of the dim light coming from inside of the refrigerator, staring at some food. I believe there are tons of people who wake up from a vivid dream every night and think they should seriously remember that one in the morning and are too lazy to pick up a pen and write a little reminder for the dream they just had and feel like they have forgotten the most important clue for life when its morning  and they dont remember their dreams.

I believe that happens all the time all around the world.

I believe it is not just me.

applause for the cheesy

"isn't it ironic, we adore the ones who ignore us, ignore the ones who adore us, love the ones who hurt us and hurt the ones who love us."

I love your mess

You call it coincidence I call it nothing but whenever I watch a movie that impresses me to a freaking  great extent,those times happen to be just before I feel too weird about myself that I should pick a random movie to watch just to clear my head.
and then bam! I choose the greatest movie just randomly! not by a trailer but maybe a friend suggest.
and just afterwards I try to find something in it that I believe It could change the way I see things. It might be just a simple sentence, or a character or a place. anything.
This time it is a book that I have  heard of but never really know what it is exactly about. I do not want to find out what it's about to be honest. not until I start reading and discovering it myself.
I just wanna click on the button that says "buy it now", pay for it, wait for it to arrive and hopefully feel extraordinary when I read it.
Usually it never works.
Not this time I hope.

In a nutshell, here is one of the rarest platforms where we can make ourselves look cooler, richer, smarter. It might be the only platform where we can give the most accurate advertisement about who we want to be.
So let them slay. Because deep inside, we all know that  this is not the place for the happy, not for the satisfied.  All in all, we're aware of the fact that the internet is for people, who are searching for something or someone that does not exist in their lives.
And no one's completely satisfied. They are just offline, disguising.
That's it.

Excuse my depressed words, It's most probably due to the lack of peanut butter inside my veins.

I guess I'll always be missing that one person who has been the only one that makes me feel so happy, so sad, so close and so far at the same time.

PMS is just another classy term used to make your bitch side sound less cheap isnt it?

I bet no one remembers the last time you laid on the carpet watching tv from a really close distance. I bet the ground is no longer as comfier as it was years ago.